R.i.P: Death of the iPod

Are you glad to see the back of the iPod?

Recently the BBC reported on what we all knew already: now that there’s music on the tablet, the phone and the bleedin' vacuum cleaner, who needs an iPod?

Those of you who know me – and those of you who have joined me on the Rock’n’Roll London Walk – will know that I am over-fond of a rant about CD’s being the work of the devil, how they are not fit to lace the boots of a vinyl record.

Surely, therefore, a traditionalist such as I (everybody knows that traditionalist is just another word for Grumpy Old Fart) will be happily dancing on the iPod’s grave. A grave, by the by, that might look a little like this…

(The illustration: is it too much? Can you tell I flirted with being a Goth as a teenager?)

So, good riddance to bad rubbish, then?

Far from it.

The thing about CD’s: I NEVER liked them. Didn’t stop me buying hundreds of the feckers, o’course, but it was under duress, your honour.

I first came across the Compact Disc in a science classroom at school. Some well-meaning teacher had brought in his CD player and an already impressive collection of CD’s (New Gold Dream by Simple Minds was one of them, making this 1982/83). He was giving a demonstration and waxing lyrical about how much better they were than records.

I remember picking one up in its little square-ish case and turning it over in my hand. Plasticky. Brittle.

“No sleeve notes,” I griped. “Not as good as a record.”

At which point the teacher took the CD case from me and like some end-of-the-pier magician pulling flags-of-all-nations from his sleeve, unfurled a hefty booklet full of sleevenotes with a smug flourish.

There was something about his smugness from which I never recovered.

His smugness.

His moustache.

The fact that we were in a science classroom.

The well-meaning attempt to be “down with the kids”.

The fact that the CD he was playing to demonstrate his – sorry, the CD’s – wonderfulness was Private Eyes by Hall and Oats.

The fact that the track was Mano a Mano, the worst track on an already terrible album.

AND you couldn’t get The Beatles on CD back then.

Done deal: why bother?

The iPod, on the other hand, appealed directly to the music anorak in me. All of your music in your pocket, wherever you go. All ordered in Playlists (best thing since the mix-tape, of which I was an addict). It was listening AND curating. I loved it from the very first.

And, like The Walkman (another invention I was very fond of), you could listen on the go and didn't have to creep like a cat burglar so's not to upset the disc, unlike the wretched CD Walkman (crap hardware for crap software).

Having said that, my first iPod (illustrated above) is about 10 years old and went on the fritz years ago. The Bush record player with the Garrard turntable upon which it is posing (also above) is more than 50 years old and still goes like the clappers. For records, and their players, I rest my case

But I’ll be sorry to see the iPod go.

Confessions of an International Vinyl Smuggler

Last year I went on a trip to Amsterdam, my first in 20 years. So what was taking me back? Was I going to smoke my brains for an entire weekend? Was I going to purchase an exquisite diamond ring for my wife? Was I on some Proustian quest to find fingerprints of my teenage self left behind on my last trip to the ‘Dam?

None of the above.

I was going to slake the thirst of my most secret habit, the pursuit of which I scarcely dare tell a soul for fear of the social stigma attached.

I was going to Amsterdam to fatten up my collection of picture sleeve European pop singles and E.P’s from the 1960s – at Record Palace, the great record shop opposite the famous old music venue, the Paradiso.

I feel as if I am typing these words in silhouette, to keep my identity a secret – for am I not to be more pitied than scorned? Do we not all have guilty vinyl secrets lurking like a politician’s past?

At home, I keep them away from the main body of my record collection. I play them on a red Dansette Popular from 1962.

There, in private, I dig the easy tones of Adamo (unjustly never accepted as one of my five famous Belgians when that pub challenge arises) and the gossamer charms of Lucky Blondo, perennially in skinny rib polo neck and bad slacks (that’s him, not me)…

Then there’s the stomping covers of Spain’s answer to The Beatles, Los Mustang (El Submarino Amarillo, anyone?) and the mad yodel of L’hotesse de L’air by Jacques Dutronc (roughly equivalent to being France’s Ray Davies)…

My tragic tale begins about 12 years ago on a rainy morning in North Finchley, in the North London Hospice Charity shop. There, hidden in a shoe box composed largely of singles by The Bachelors, the bane of the seven-inch hunter’s existence (how many units did these feckers shift? It must be in the billions) lurked a picture sleeve.

The period was irredeemably 60s, lower case font, clean cut guy with a pre-Beatle cut, cool suede jacket, rakishly loosened woollen tie, RCA Victor blue label.

Neither the song – Elle Était Si Jolie – nor the singer – Alain Barrière (think Don Draper re-cast as a crooner) – had troubled my radar to this point. But the words “sélectionnée par la R.T.F au Grand Prix Eurovision de la chanson 1963” caught my eye.

I bought it. It cost 50p.

I had carried a Jacques Brel fixation from college, so I thought I could handle it.

I never thought I’d get sucked in.

Who does?

But at the syrupy sound of this mawkish ballad, I immediately felt like Gene Wilder in Woody Allen’s Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid to Ask) at the moment he suddenly falls for the sheep. I knew it was wrong. But I just had to find out more about this Alain Barrière.

The label revealed that he wrote his own material – impressive, I thought – and that the Play Bach guy, Jacques Loussier was one of his arrangers.

After a little research I found that old Al, like some Breton Cliff Richard, was still on the go! And this was his 1963 Eurovision entry! I began to seek out his records. I quickly resolved to limit my collection to his 1960s oeuvre on the grounds of coiffure alone – Monsieur Barrière had woken up on a bad hair day sometime in 1971 and had never quite recovered. His record sleeves thereafter look like those pictures on the wall of men’s hairdressing shops that seem to say: you too could have a haircut like this… if you’re not careful.

It was only a matter of time before I found (and on the spot became a fan of) Mireille Mathieu, Jacques Dutronc and a plethora of Ye Ye Girls. Then it was Drafi Deutscher (and His Magics, of course) from West Germany and Hervé Vilard (did you know he was born in the back of a Parisian taxi?) and… if it wasn’t for the fact that I was typing right now, I’d be holding my head in my hands in shame.

I have to stop this confession now, as I can hear my wife coming up the stairs, and she doesn’t know my dark secret, either. Last time she nearly caught me alphabetizing my Dutch E.P’s and when she burst in and asked why I had such a guilty look on my face I had to tell her I was watching porn on the internet. It seemed like a less shameful alibi than collecting European 60s pop records. You won’t tell her, will you? Cheers. You’re a mate.

Phil Everly, Proust, Freud and Drinks For All My Friends

The first Everly album I ever owned, inherited from an uncle when I was 13.

Hidden within music we often find those mystical triggers that set off involuntary memory.

Radio provides the best and most delicious of such moments, when the random selection of music opens up sometimes repressed areas of the subconscious. Or, to combine Freud with Chuck Berry:

Rock the pfennig right into the slot/You gotta hear something that’s really hot

(Freud and Chuck Berry. That would have been quite a gig. Freud would have been the supporting act. That goes without saying.)

The radio brought such a sensation to me this morning when I heard the news that Phil Everly had died at the age of 74.

There’s not one of my best and most beloved friends with whom I have not played or sung Everly Brothers music.

And memories of each and every one of them flooded in this morning. Some of them I see all the time. Some of them I still play music with. Some I haven’t seen for ages. Some are absent friends.

I think of these people most days anyway. But the passing of Phil Everly brought back golden times. And not just that. It brought the promise of golden times to come, singing and playing or simply just listening to the records together. But particularly singing and playing…

Rest in Peace Phil Everly and thanks for all the great times yet to come.

 Here's Songs Our Daddy Taught Us, my favourite of all their albums:

First Song of 2014

This, I fear, is the shape of things to come.

The first song I heard in 2014 was Best Song Ever by One Direction, blaring through my six-year-old daughter’s bedroom door.

The other day, out of the blue, she announced:

“One Direction are the hottest band on the planet right now.”

“Are they really?” I asked. “How do you know such a thing?”

“Darcey told me at school,” she shot back, “and she read it on the internet.”

So, there you go.

Happy New Year.